" QUOTES"
" I didn’t know that I was bound together
by the disease with my friends." anon
=============
PRISON DIARIES
My name is — and I am an alcoholic.
I am also proud to say that I am a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.
As an active member, I am currently corresponding (since 2003)
with another A.A. member through the Corrections Correspondence
Service. I would also like to add that I will be going out into the community
to attend the area committee meetings, as I will be the GSR for
the group here at the facility. This will allow me to learn more
about the A.A. service structure. I have held multiple positions in
the A.A. groups in the four facilities I have been in for the past
6 1/2 years, and find that this is a great way for me to build a
foundation and to learn more about service and the structure.
I also sponsor and assist a few inmates with the Twelve Steps,
which is also a great way to give back. I am grateful to God, A.A.
and those involved for allowing the opportunity to be alive and
to have the willingness to help and assist. anon
=================
AL-ANON (related)
What Is A Dysfunctional Family? part 3
HOW CAN SOMEONE OVERCOME THE EFFECTS OF A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY?
Regardless of the source of dysfunction, you have survived. You have likely developed a number of valuable skills to get you through tough circumstances.
Consequently, it is important to first stop and take stock. You may find that much of what you learned in your family is valuable.
Many of the survival behaviors you developed are your best assets. For example, people who grow up in dysfunctional families often have finely tuned empathy for others; they are often very achievement-oriented and highly successful in some areas of their lives; they are often resilient to stress and adaptive to change. In examining changes you may want to make in yourself, it is important not to lose sight of your good qualities.
Patience is necessary! Negative effects from growing up in dysfunctional families often stem from survival behaviors that were very helpful when you were growing up, but may become problematic in your adult life. Remember that you spent years learning and practicing your old survival skills, so it may take awhile to learn and practice new behaviors.
1. Get Help.
In most dysfunctional families children tend to learn to doubt their own intuition and emotional reactions. Often outside support provides an objective perspective and much-needed affirmation which will help you learn to trust your own reactions. Help or support can take many forms: individual counseling, therapy groups such as Survivors of Incest or Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families (ACODF), and self-help groups such as Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA), Alanon, or Codependents Anonymous (CODA).
2. Learn to Identify and Express Emotions.
Growing up in a dysfunctional family often results in an exaggerated attention to others’ feelings and a denial of your own feelings and experiences. While this often results in very good sensitivity to others, you may have neglected sensitivity to yourself. Stop each day and identify emotions you are or have been experiencing. What triggered them? How might you affirm or respond to them? Try keeping a daily feelings journal.
Be selective in sharing your feelings with others. You may not find it helpful to share all of your feelings. In sharing your feelings with others take small risks first, then wait for a reaction. If the responses seem supportive and affirming try taking some larger risks.
3. Allow Yourself to Feel Angry About What Happened.
Forgiveness is a very reasonable last step in recovery, but it is a horrible first step. Children need to believe in and trust their parents; therefore, when parents behave badly, children tend to blame themselves and feel responsible for their parents’ mistakes. These faulty conclusions are carried into adulthood, often leaving guilt, shame, and low self-esteem. When you begin with trying to forgive your parents you will likely continue to feel very badly about yourself.
Placing the responsibility for what happened during your childhood where it belongs, i.e., with the responsible adults, allows you to feel less guilt and shame and more nurturance and acceptance toward yourself.
It is usually helpful to find productive ways to vent your anger. This can be done in support groups or with good friends. Try writing a letter to one or both of your parents and then burning the letter. You may want to talk with your parents directly about what happened.
If you decide to do this it is important to keep your goal clear. Do you want to encourage change and work for a better relationship, or are you trying to get even or hurt them back? Pursuing revenge frequently results in more guilt and shame in the long run. Holding on to anger and resentment indefinitely is also problematic and self-defeating. Focusing on old resentments can prevent growth and change.
4. Begin the Work of Learning to Trust Others.
Take small risks at first in letting others know you. Slowly build up to taking bigger risks. Learning who to trust and how much to trust is a lengthy process. Adult children from dysfunctional families tend to approach relationships in an all-or-nothing manner. Either they become very intimate and dependent in a relationship, or they insist on nearly complete self-sufficiency, taking few interpersonal risks. Both of these patterns tend to be self-defeating.
Frequently, children of dysfunctional families continue to seek approval and acceptance from their parents and families. If these people could not meet your needs when you were a child, they are unlikely to meet your needs now. Recognize your parents’ limitations while still accepting whatever support they can offer. Seek your support from other adults. Practice saying how you feel and asking for what you need. Don’t expect people to guess — tell them. This step will likely require much effort.
5. Practice Taking Good Care of Yourself.
Frequently, survivors of dysfunctional families have an exaggerated sense of responsibility. They tend to overwork and forget to take care of themselves. Try identifying the things you really enjoy doing, then give yourself permission to do at least one of these per day. Work on balancing the things you should do with the things you want to do. Balance is a key word for people who’ve grown up in dysfunctional families.
Identify areas you tend to approach compulsively: Drinking? Eating? Shopping? Working? Exercising? How might you approach this in a more balanced fashion? One of the best things you can do for your mental and emotional well being is to take good physical care of yourself. Do you eat a good healthy balanced diet? Do you get regular exercise?
6. Begin to Change Your Relationships with Your Family.
Keep the focus on yourself and your behavior and reactions. Remember, you cannot change others, but you can change yourself. Work on avoiding entanglements in your family•s problems. Alanon calls this "detachment." Counseling or support is usually crucial when trying to change family relationships. You are fighting a lifetime of training in getting hooked into their problems, usually including large doses of guilt.
It is also important to be patient with your family. They may find it difficult to understand and accept the changes they see in your behavior. While most families can be workable, undoubtedly there are some rare families who are far too dangerous or abusive to risk further contact.
7. Read.
Many books provide helpful information about dysfunctional families and strategies for recovering from their effects. cont. tomorrow
===========
ABRAHAM
1. Care more about YOU
You have to care more about where you’re feeling and how you
want to feel, than anything else. You have to care more than what your husband
thinks. You have to care more than what your mother-in-law thinks. You
have to care more than what your neighbors think. You have to care
more than what your church thinks or your government thinks. You have
to care more than what anything that is outside of you thinks, because
by caring about how you feel, you can shift your vibration.
And when you shift your vibration, every relationship shifts.
Every single one. Dallas, TX, 11/01/03
=============
Vernon Howard’s SECRETS OF LIFE
"TO CONFUSED AND NERVOUS PEOPLE
The only question is, do you want to learn or do you want to argue?"
How to Handle Difficult People, p. 30
===============
SEEDS FOR THE GARDEN OF YOUR MIND
"We can’t fear the past. Fear is a future thing.
And since the future’s all in our heads, fear must be a head thing."
– Tom Payne
"I have not ceased being fearful,
but I have ceased to let fear control me."
– Erica Jong
The Daily Guru
=============
A SCATTERING OF SEEDS
To find big mistakes, look for big egos.
How We Came to Know Truth
Our village mystic (who, by the way, is President
of the National Mystical Association)decided he
had studied enough.
He would, by
God, climb
the sacred mountain
out beyond the village
limits and find
out what
was what.
We villagers don’t
understand him,
but we know he must be
quite
great.
Someone even says there’s
a faint halo around
his head, visible
only to the more advanced
souls.
This is probably
true, for why would an advanced
soul lie
to anyone?
So Mike (our mystic) climbed
the sacred mountain
a week
ago when there
was a quadruple conjunction
of some planets I’d heard
of and some I hadn’t
(I don’t understand
these things, but I did
think the air
smelled different that
day).
Mike meditated (you know, where
you sit
down and do holy
things to yourself)
and then climbed the
mountain just like he owned
the damn thing.
We all watched from the
bottom.
He was at the top about
half an hour,
maybe receiving his
instructions,
and then he came back
down.
We all gathered around
him and asked him what
he saw, what he learned,
what he heard, how did it
feel?
Mike rolled
his eyes up and
began to speak in a
quiet but firm voice, saying:
"I have been to the mountain
top.
I have had
an Experience.
I cannot possibly tell you
how it really was.
I must speak in veiled
terms for your own good.
I say unto you,
‘Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
What’s false is false,
And what’s true is true.’"
As he spoke,
I thought I noticed a faint
shimmer of light
around his holy head.
It is humbling to be
able to live in the
same village with
one who knows,
and who knows
he knows,
and has a
halo according
to some reports.
Alan Harris
=====
HUMOR
Two old guys are pushing their carts around
Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy
Says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I’m
Looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying
Attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That’s OK, it’s a
Coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I
Can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help
You find her. What does she look like?"
The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes,
long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?"
To which the first old guy says, "Doesn’t matter,
— let’s look for yours."
==========